As I sat in the bathtub tonight I was thinking to myself “who am I and how did I get here?” Oh my god, I have triplets and a very high maintenance 4 year old. Oh my god, every piece of clothing that I put on my body smells like throw up. Oh my god, I just spent 2 hours making delicious nutritious homemade baby food from scratch with my super fancy babycook processor from France (sold through William Sonoma) and my babies all hate it. In fact, I actually had to scoop it out of Preston’s mouth before he projectile vomited it all over me like he did the night before when he didn’t like what I was serving. Oh my god, my 4 year old says “god damnit” and I don’t know where she learned it. Oh my god, she probably learned it from me.
Sometimes Chris asks me, “how do we have triplets?” with amazement and wonder in his voice. I simply say, “because we put in four embryos thinking, according the fertility doctor we fired, none of them would work”. But don’t take this banter the wrong way. Not a second of any day goes by when we aren’t grateful, appreciative and completely in love with these babies. I could not imagine what my life would be like if we had decided to only put in three embryos, or if we had chosen to selectively reduce one baby. Oh no, they were all meant to be ours.
But I do remember that I did have this entirely other life. Was it even me? Chris and I lived in San Diego. We owned a house a few miles from the beach. We could actually see the ocean from our balcony. We lived the life of leisure as I think of it now, Chris with his wine em and dine em pharmaceutical job and me with my freelance writing. We spent every weekend designing and installing the landscaping for our courtyard and backyard. We traveled to Costa Rica, Hawaii, South Africa, France, Bermuda, etc. and loved every second of it. We slept in past 6am. Life was all about us and we made the most of it.
We moved to Cameron Park and I got pregnant only a few months later with Ava. So many times it feels like we lived two different lives – our leisurly kidless life in San Diego and our family life here in Northern California. Both lives are wonderful and it is so easy to wax nostalgia and to fall into the “grass is always greener” state of mind. The truth is, that while Chris and I were leading our life of freedom sans kids in San Diego with our beach home and our wining and dining lifestyle, all I wanted was to have a baby. We tried for years to have one in San Diego and it was not happening.
So here I am at 10:30pm writing my blog when I should be sleeping, thinking about how I have lost much of my freedom and all my “me” time but I have gained a family and that is so much more interesting. I laugh at my kids all day. Today I laughed at Preston swaying back and forth to the music playing on one of his toys. How does he know how to dance already? Today I laughed at Violet who motors around the house chasing people down and laughing the whole way. I laughed at Elsa who just wanted to grab and hug her big sister the entire time Ava was playing her computer. I laugh at Ava all day because she is hysterical- in between being infuriated that is. That is worth at least a couple of beach houses and maybe a trip to Europe right there. Those moments are priceless.
Until next time, the mothership is signing off.